Ask A Sex Therapist: Stripper Addiction

by Cay Crow, M.A., LPC, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist

Girl in black bikini dancing on pole

My Boyfriend is Addicted to Strippers

Dear Cay: I am dating a guy who only dated strippers before we met. He is obsessed with strippers! He wants me to dress up and dance for him which I don't mind doing occasionally but I think he wants me to be something I am not. Each time I dance for him, he rolls his eyes and tells me that I'll never be a "pro" like the rest of them. What should I do?


Find Someone Who Loves You For Who You Are

Dear CJ:

Drop this guy off at the nearest strip club and leave him there. If you want a relationship, that is, someone to relate to you as a person, you are not going to get it from this guy. He does not see you for who you are only how you compare to his other girlfriends who happen to be strippers. There is nothing wrong with this gentleman’s enjoyment of a lovely woman dancing seductively for him. There is nothing wrong with you offering the occasional lap dance. Do you enjoy dancing for him? That is the more pertinent question. Does it give you an erotic charge to dance erotically? I also wonder if having a woman dance for him is the only way he can get aroused.

Expecting you to be like a stripper is comparable to expecting him to be like George Clooney or Russell Crowe, some hunk that you might drool over but not really know or like personally. In stripping as in acting, the person and the performance are two separate entities. The mistake people make is assuming that the person is the performance. Most exotic dancers work hard at staying in shape and creating an erotic stage persona. In my opinion, stripping appeals to men because of the lovely creatures in skimpy clothes, the projection of desire and the posturing that emulates many of men's fantasies. There is no room in that formula for relating to a real person with worries, insecurities, quirks, not to mention bad days and cramps! Stripping is a lucrative art form that serves a specific purpose in our society. But just like any job, it is not for everyone.

The fact that this guy expects you to dress and dance like a stripper and then denigrates you for your efforts tells me that he does not care about your feelings, only his desires.


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