My Husband Wants To Have Anal Sex

by Cay Crow, M.A., LPC, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist

Man with his shirt off grabbing a girls butt in black panties

Dear Cay,

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. In most respects our marriage is sound. However, since the birth of our third child (now 11 months), our sex life has been pretty lame. Part of the issue with me is that I am still carrying around an extra 15 pounds that I gained during pregnancy and I feel anything but amorous when I think about my body.

Anal Sex To Spice Things Up

The other issue is that my husband tells me that sex has become mundane for him, and he wants to liven things up. He revealed to me that he really wants to try anal sex. I do NOT want to try it, and the idea disturbs me. It does not seem to me an act of love but of control. Am I just a hopeless prude? Is Anal Sex Bad For Health?


Stressed out Mom

Is Anal Sex Bad For Your Health?

Dear Stressed out Mom:

You are not a prude for stating how you feel. You and your husband simply have different ideas about how to spice things up. Is Anal Sex Bad For Health? Anal sex is a common interest. Please do not shame your husband for his desires - they are perfectly normal. But do tell your husband how you feel about anal sex if you have not already. It will help him understand that you are not rejecting him and his desires but how you feel about the act itself. Perhaps you would feel comfortable with him stroking or squeezing the buttocks but not playing with the anus. One thing I can tell you about anal sex is that if the receiver has any mental or emotional hesitations about the act, it will not go well no matter how much lube you use. As I am fond of saying, the anus never lies! It will clamp shut at the first sign of negative emotion. There are masturbation sleeves for men, The Fleshlight for example, that come in the shape of an anus. The two of you could use such a toy as the next best thing.

One common side effect of marriage and young children is little time or energy for sex. The remedy, ironically, is a combination of time apart as individuals – doing things that fulfill you - and time together as a couple - an actual date away from the kids about once a month. This will require help with childcare. Are there family or friends nearby who can look after the kids? You do not have to go out or spend a lot of money. Is there something that you would like to do for yourself? A lingering bath, an uninterrupted crossword puzzle? Read a book and take a nap? A project around the house? When you and your husband have your date as a couple, do not spend it talking about practical matters. Talk about how the relationship is going. How are each of you handling stress? How does it feel to be sexual when you are parents? I imagine the experience of eroticism has changed for you with each child. Do you feel guilty sometimes? Do you feel as if you should spend time with the kids rather than make love to each other? Remember that the marriage is the foundation of the family, so time spent as a couple only helps the kids in the long run. Your relationship sets an example for them. Watch Ester Perel’s TED Talk entitled The Secret to Desire in Long-Term Relationships then discuss it with your husband. It is a wonderful conversation catalyst for couples.

In terms of how you feel about your body, most new moms feel unattractive. Remember that you are bombarded daily with images of unrealistic perfection, but the reality is quite different. I bet that your husband thinks you are still very sexy even with those extra pounds. He still wants to have sex with you if you are receptive to it in your self-perceived, less-than-perfect-state. If every woman waited for the perfect body so she could make love again, none of us would ever get laid! Besides, your husband is not just having sex with your body but the whole of you, the woman he fell in love with. Life is too short to avoid pleasure because of a few pounds. Wear a snug corset (you can find corsets with elastic and flexible boning) that elevates your pregnancy boobs and keep it on during sex. Let your husband know that you need some reassurance from him that he still finds you attractive. But don't put your sex life on hold. You are short-changing yourself more than anyone else. And I think you will agree that there is nothing like a great humdinger of an orgasm to alleviate stress!


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