Ask A Sex Therapist: How Do I Find Mrs Right?

by Cay Crow, M.A., LPC, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist

How To Find The Ideal Person For A Relationship?

Man in a brown trenchcoat with a bouquet of roses

Dear Cay,

I am 50 and have been divorced for 8 years.I am a successful professional who is very active and physically fit. I am handy and do repairs around my home.

I essentially have no social life.I am not comfortable going to bars and clubs, especially alone. I am well-rounded, I love to do anything. I have a tremendous amount to offer someone.I have always been loyal and monogamous.My friends say that the women that I am attracted to want “bad boys.” My friends say I'm too nice so perhaps women don’t see me as a virile male.

I would like to be in a relationship and perhaps another marriage.I have dated but have not found a "girlfriend" in several years.People have tried to fix me up with their friends, I have tried blind dates (all disasters), and I tried E-harmony.

I have dated a few women with whom there seems to be mutual interest but it never progresses to intimacy. I don't make any physical moves (out of respect) until after the third or fourth date. But on more than one occasion I have been brushed off after an attempted kiss.

I have also met women that seem to be attracted to me and are very willing to share some intimacy, but I am not attracted to them. do I correct this? I'm the type of guy who prefers to know someone and have a mutual attraction before being intimate.I have no problem seriously dating someone to achieve it.I am even open to a less committed situation based on mutual desire/attraction.I think it is going to be an ever-increasing problem with the divorce rates and aging pool of singles. – B.J

Can’t Find The Perfect Date? Take A Look At Yourself First

Dear B.J.,

First of all, you cannot control other people so the best place to begin is with yourself. Look at your relationship patterns in the past and determine whether they play a role in the women you are drawn to.

Is there a pattern of pursuing disinterested partners or sticking with something that is obviously going nowhere? People live what they know until they make a conscious effort towards change. A few sessions with a therapist might accelerate this process.

In our current dating culture, many single straight women feel that they are supposed to have sex quickly to keep a guy’s interest. That expectation could be a big problem for a guy like you who wants to wait and see what develops in the relationship first. Perhaps some your dates were operating on this expectation that you want sex now. They may have grown tired of waiting for you to make the first move. Many women in their 40s still cling to the idea that the guy should do so. You see it as a sign of respect, but some women may have interpreted your behavior as a sign of disinterest. Such is the dilemma of being a nice guy.

Should I Use Online Dating Services?

One of the things you might try is changing your dating profile to honestly reflect who you are and what you are looking for. Online dating is a sorting process, not a dating process. Reserve your energy for people who really catch your interest. Email with them initially and talk with them on the phone. Tell a potential date that you will not attempt any physical contact until you know her better. That just might help her relax. Ask her for the same honesty. Perhaps this seems blunt but hey, life is rather short.

Check out this TED talk by Amy Webb:

Amy’s relatives kept telling her that she was too picky when it came to whom she went on a date with. It turns out that she was not picky enough. Amy narrowed down what she was looking for and would not even have coffee with someone unless they meet that criteria. It could save you a lot of disastrous experiences. In effect, Amy created her own algorithm for online dating and it worked well.


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