A Threesome For The First Time

by Cay L. Crow

three mallards swimming away lined up

How To Find A Third For A Threesome?

Dear Cay,

My girlfriend and I want to have a threesome but we are not sure where to begin. Can you help us out?

3way2day

A Threesome Is The Most Common Sexual Fantasy

Dear 3way2day,

Threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4000 individuals, 87% of women and 95% of men fantasize about simultaneous sex with more than one person. But fantasy is quite different from reality.

Where To Begin To Have A Threesome?

Keep in mind that anytime you take a sexual fantasy, something you imagine happening just the way you want it in your head and start making it a reality, there will be snags that disrupt the perfection of the fantasy. In fantasy, you have complete control of what happens. In reality, what happens is negotiated and discussed with clear communication. Here are some things to consider. Do you and your girlfriend communicate with transparency? Do you have clear boundaries with each other? When you disagree, can you still communicate? Or do things break down? Good sex cannot happen without the communication of expectations and desires.

Do not jump into a threesome as an obligation. Being guilted or coerced into any sexual behavior is non-consensual.

How To Choose The Third Gender For A Threesome?

What are you expecting from the experience? Perhaps your girlfriend is wanting to be the focus of the threesome with two people pleasuring her. What if you want to play the starring role and have two people doting on you? Do not assume that your partners know what you want unless you tell them in explicit detail. For example, “At some point, let’s do it doggie style while the other person is pleasuring me orally at the same time.” Do you are your partner agree on the gender of the third partner? What if you kick off the experience only to discover that one party enjoys watching more than engaging? What about safe sex? Does everyone agree to use barrier protection? These are all conversations to have not just with your primary partner but with the other partners.

How Does Having A Threesome Effect Your Relationship?

Bringing another person into the erotic realm you have shared will change your relationship in ways that are not predictable. Unless you are already in an open relationship, having a threesome indicates a willingness to explore consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). And once this door is opened, it can be difficult to close. So take it slow and be sure that you are ready for the adventure.

How To Get Prepared For A Threesome

Educate yourself. One of my favorite books on CNM is The Ethical Slut. And Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationshipsis a terrific resource. Even if you do not want an open relationship, these resources can help with many aspects of exploring a threesome.

Who Is A Better Third In A Threesome A Friend Or A Stranger?

Finding a third will not be difficult through dating apps or Fet Life. Once you know what you want, compose an ad that specifically outlines what you are looking for. If searching online sounds like too much work, you might also consider hiring a sex worker to minimize the risk of an emotional connection. Maybe you have a friend that might be interested. Asking a friend is an option; it could work but there is always the risk of losing the friendship once you blur the lines of intimacy.

CAY L. CROW, LPC, AASECT-CERTIFIED SEX THERAPIST

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